Btw i am not chronically depressed or anything, just randomly had these thoughts due to certain events happening in my life at the time of writing.

life is great...it is temporarily not status quo, but life will move on and it shall be back to normal in a jiffy... #trust.

anyway, more on frued. hmm how do i put this. i think it was the recent 5 years where it began apparent that i am someone who derives a considerable amount of pleasure from the joy of others. this sounds mildly hedonistic, erotic even, given freud's iffy background and mummy issues. but i think that i can finally see value on freud's take on narcissism, ego and our self-worth.

it was to freud's belief that the way we view ourselves is intertwined with how we view others. we are all born with self-love (ego-libido) and as we grow, we develop love for things/people around us (object-libido). but in times when we feel "not enough" (when our ego-libido is depleted), we weirdly tend to turn to our object-libido to make up for our lack of self-worth. deep down, we hope that in return for our kindness, for a few moments, we feel like we are "enough".

i, for one, am someone who enjoys devoting my time/money to help others feel godo about themselves. i enjoy gifting things, my time, resources - not to every one tho, lowkey selective, especially to people who im chill with. in this way, is my alruism just merely my subconscious attempt to boost my ego libido? im going to be real, in the last few years, i have become someone with not alot of thoughts, with not alot of self-love, so there's a high chance that i'm subconsciously doing good just to feel something, to heal some narcissistic scar deep inside of me.

freud has termed this - object cathexis, where one directs their energy towards the external. abit of a chicken and egg situation if you ask me. in order to boost your own self worth, you try to boost the self worth of others, at the expense of your own self worth again...

that is not to say that if i have gifted you something in the past, it was superficial and had no meaning - i put in serious thought to my gifting, please know that.

reading up about freud again has made me more in tune with why i feel a certain type of way at times. i feel like the toad in the book - counselling for toads: a psychological adventure. anyway, this is all just a food for thought. if you're ever caught in a pickle or a slump like this, know that we are living proof that fraud was right and we are not making shit up in our heads.

coolios, looking forward to the next time where i have no thoughts in my head again. high chance will be by the end of the week.

New year, but same old me. Yet another year goes by but I am doing absolutely the same thing at work so the new year doesn't mean much, except that I very much appreciated the public holiday

anyway i found out that my chinese zodiac is apparently a horse...been thinking that i was a snake for the longest time (by longest i mean like 23 years of my life) because i was born before cny in 2002. i'm not that special i guess...

i turned 24 a few days ago. i think 24 is not a scary age but 25 is, it's like a tipping point to the 30s. i shall update again in a year on my feelings on the number.

other than that, there's nothing really new in my life. life got busier in sporadic bursts - i remember when i was OTing and rushing work but now it's chill, i leave work promptly before 630pm.

it's chill like that.

I remember the first time i felt like this...it was in term 2 and i was tired beyond wits end (lol DTI things). honestly i didn't have a care for the world then, my life was just work and whatever i was hyper fixtated on at that point in time. everyday i woke up and then left hostel and walked to campus and then did school work and then went back to hostel and then slept and then repeat. feels a little like now...

i'm defintely not as exhausted as i was then but i feel an eerily similar sense of despair, not knowing what lies next other than the endless sea of work. i used to be someone fidgity, i mean i still AM fidgity now but i feel like i've lost my natural inclination to move as much. walking used to be fun, i would skip on the sidewalk or hum a tune just cos i felt like it...but less so now.

growing older drains the joy out of me. i have a friend that has seen the 'playful' 15 year old me, we lost contact for awhile but then i recontacted her a few years prior and i'll always remember her commenting that i seemed more serious and quiet now. i suppose thats true, i'm less talkative and i keep to myself more now, but of course i still love making a good joke/comment (i think i'm a pretty funny person. on a side note i was gonna include a link to a stand up comedian's AGT audition that i thought was p funny when i watched it 10 years ago, but now that i re-watched it, i don't even find it that funny anymore but it taught me some valuable lessons about how to be a funny person lol).

also i wanted to say that i have become a really dry texter nowadays, i text like a boy - if you send me one whole chunk of text i tend to only reply to the bottom one.....what do i do, i've become my own worst enemy.

It is more or less 3 months into my full time employment, that's half my probation period done and dusted. if there's anything major that i have learnt, it's that i don't have the willpower to do anything productive outside of work on a weekday. and i suppose that's alright...it's not that i am having a hard time juggling another responsibility outside of work anyway.

on a lighter note, i've been trying to put myself out there to explore some new things this month. i tried talking to new people to make new friends - didn't turn out too well, it was exhausting trying to maintain a conversation. though i will try again another time. i'm picking up reading again and watching less youtube. and also i've been hitting more random events in town...hm can i go to a jazz bar without drinking..now that is the question.

no new luck on finding a side hustle idea, but i do wanna look into maximising my cpf contributions so that's something to fill my time. no one tells you about the random adult things you need to suddenly pick up after graduating (pls pls trust bank can you accept my credit card application soon).

habit tracking has been going relatively well, it's nice to see the pages slowly fill up, although i wish i had bigger ideas to fill the other pages of the notebook. otherwise, my current goal is to lose some weight in the tummy and to do a nice little edc post when i feel like it.

I'm back, although there haven't been much updates lately. I suppose that was the point of writing this. before i graduated, there was nothing much in my life outside of school. and it is starting to become evident that there is also nothing much in my life outside of work. now that i have a full time job, there's a clearer distinction between work and non work hours (compared to school). so the my lack of exciting hobbies/interests has become more apparent.

been trying to get more active these days but it's hard to find time after work but i do my best, and will provide updates. i am my own accountability partner. been also thinking about how i could potentially try my hands at a side hustle but i haven't had any mindblowing ideas yet - one that excites me but doesn't consume too much time. my colleague recommends some sort of digital product but idk i can't think of anything.

anyway, i started using my habit tracker for the lols, this month i am tracking my water and vitamin c consumption and exercise routine (the last is not so successful). here is a currently look at my edc.

left to right: wallet/card holder, gambol b5 notebook for note taking at work ('modded' the notebook with masking tape pen holder), pens (rotring 500, artline highlighter, uniball eye ultra micro, jetstream edge 0.38mm, uni metal lead case), nite ize carabiner, mijia tag tracker, nextool keychain tool, rhodia n11 notebook, zebra mini mechanical pencil, redmi buds 4 pro earbuds, mintia mints, casio f-84w, pixel 8a (with my name emboss label + emi tharsorn <3), muji pouch with plasters, panadol and random emergency stuff.

Just so you know, promptly after i wrote the last post, my teeth got mildly inflammed again...so hooray to my first week at work while juggling teeth pain.. got my cavities filled yesterday, thank you to the government CDC vouchers for sponsoring half the cost.

job wise, things are pretty okay. one month into the job and i'm slowly getting the hang of things. some tasks are a little daunting (alot) but the people there are real friendly. one of the main down sides of the job is that it's in the west and i live in the east so its nearly a 2h commute one way... really thought i was gonna be one of those people reading a kindle on the train but my brain is just too dead everyday (not a performative male yay).

to pass time on the train/after work, i've been really into some thai dramas recently, so at least that's something to look forward to. i'm also watching abbott elementary now on the weekdays over dinner, cos the office became abit dry (why is season 6 lowkey all about jim and pam).

Happy to announce that my teeth is much better now. only took about 3 weeks, no biggie (war flashbacks).

after my last blog entry, there wasn't really much to update about. i lazed around at home for abit and then went to thailand for a week trip with my friends, food was AWESOME. then i came home and here i am.

i start my first full time job in a few days. not sure how i feel about it because it's honestly a big change and i'm not really big on changes. the last time there was such a big (medium) transition was when i went to summer school. there was alot of uncertainty then but it turned out to be a good experience. im typically a follow the status quo kinda person. but we'll see how this job goes, i gotta find my way into this new work routine.

i cherish the days of unemployment, although i was pretty bored at times, i think i will look back at this period of time fondly.

calm before the storm lol?

My tooth absolutely HURTS. to be specific, its the gums around the wisdom tooth, particularly to bottom ones. when they first started growing out slightly over 2 years ago, the pain was extruciating as well. that lasted a few weeks till it eventually subsided. the pain comes back every now and then, but nothing too unberable. this was until i went for my bi-annual dental checkup a few days ago and thought that it'll be a good idea to clean my wisdom teeth extra thoroughly (the dentist had just informed me that i have THREE cavities....so i was scheduled for a filling appointment in the next month).

anyway i must have cleaned the wisdom teeth area too hard because it is real swollen and tender right now. i can't open my jaws fully and it hurts to eat... i'm real lazy to go back to the dentist especially since i visited just a few days ago, and i don't want to pay for another round of consultation fees.

my reddit recent posts are filled with concerned posts about wisdom tooth infections. i learnt that you can get pus in your gums. i'm constantly looking at my teeth in the mirror because i'm pretty sure they're infected. i guess i'll wait it out unless the pain gets real bad.

so much for trying to be someone i'm not...i will never be a clean teeth gal.

I'm attempting to restart my blogging efforts because i'm in between 'jobs' now. i've officially graduated from university and i'm waiting to start my first full time job in a months time. for the first time in awhile, i actually have the time to do anything i want to, and yet i find myself not doing much.

i'm actually pretty bored. i shuttle between instagram, youtube and reddit during my waking hours. i can't commit to a 2h movie (even though i scroll endless youtube shorts in the same amount of time). to combat this, i decided to pick up reading again. i find that i am only able to concentrate on reading in the mornings, before i am exposed to any form of internet media. i am easily distracted. anyway, my current read is Listen by Kathryn Mannix; it's been a pretty useful read so far.

another few hobbies that i'm hoping to pick up since i don't have to study 24/7 are - learning japanese/french and skateboarding. i hope i have the time to do that even with my full time job.

so that's that. let's see how long i can sustain this microblog for. hopefully this isn't just another one of my fads.

also don't come at me for my unorganised code for this website. i'm not sure how to use external libraries or software thingys to organise the tags in my blog. i probably should figure out how to use Jekyll, at least gpt is reccommending me to use it.